What if…

You know.. what ifs are very painful. Very very painful.

Some days are harder than others. Having to deal with lots of what ifs..

What if i didn’t insist on inducing Aaron and he came at his own time. Maybe then we wouldn’t have to go through the whole ordeal of “where’s Alma” (that’s the drama with the midwife looking for another midwife throughout my delivery process).

What if i paid more attention on his 1st few days of life and pushed for more questions on why he didn’t latch, why the PD says he is floppy, low set ears and droopy eyes, why he was so jaundiced.. why they were not doing anything about everything. What if i was not so consumed by my own pain.

What if i took care of him instead of entrusting him to the helper that didn’t help and sat him in the rocker/bumbo/jumperoo the whole time in front of the TV and not insisting on tummy time.

What ifs are dangerous. They put me in a very dark and bad place. I keep seeking the need to blame someone else for the “misfortune” that had befallen on us. Which my answer to that is, its all my fault.

What if i didn’t choose to have him.. then this blog would not exist.

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